Motivation

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Motivation

Post by Glory! koshikii on Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:44 am

Disclaimer: this disclaimer is not a trigger warning. Also this bit of text might bring you feelings of sadness or kindness or apathy or whatever.

Hello everyone again, I've been playing Bve for over a decade as you guys already know, but my issue is more than just releasing Bve routes (!!!) or scenarios, this topic will be a bit long and it'll be primarily venting, if you don't mind.

If you do mind though, bother not, spare yourself some minutes and put this aside.

For my childhood and adolescence, I've been attending super high-level schools, but, due to a neurological disorder? my thinking is absolutely fast, and my intelligence is way above average at the cost of social abilities. This was not self diagnosed though, I went to several psychiatrists and it's confirmed. In every single school, I never felt the need to study because I found the subjects easy. I'm now ready to go to college or university, I don't know exactly, and in my country, you have to take a test for the institutions to want you. This year, the teachers at my high school have been hammering us in the head to study but I didn't bother, and seeing people struggle gave me a sense of reality. That kinda brought my self esteem to an all-time low, after a 5 year drop. I'm sure I'll be able to get into college / uni, but I've sort of conditioned myself to think that since I'm not actively studying, I'm going to fail high school tests and I'll fail the big exam.

As a way to numb myself of my low self confidence, I went back to Bve after a two year hiatus, and I wanted to make scenarios, do the one thing that would make child me proud, having a Bve route available for download, but nothing.

It's not just Bve though, all the projects that have been shot down by me feeling blue were a bullet hell game, a Keiō line based railway network for Bve 4, a rubber tyred new transit system for Bve 5, a suspended monorail for OpenBVE, many several Super Mario fan games, a book, learning Japanese effectively, and more recently, setting up a Minetest server and operating it, making a rural railway line, the JR Bimori line, a long wanted Hanamoto Subway, both for Bve 5, and the Yuriya Railway (Yutetsu) line.

I feel bad about myself, I feel powerless, unmotivated, "unsatisfiable", sad, lonely. This is a horrible situation as you can't run away from yourself, and anything you want to do you think it's a failure and dead on arrival.

Sorry for bragging, but I know a lot of stuff for someone who didn't know English and learned to code English code by just experiment. The earliest prototype of my subway... Simple at the time but I was only 8 or 9... I am no noob on making routes but I feel shy, scared, bashful, I wish I could talk my unspoken memories and unknown felicities, I love Japanese trains, no one else does, I guess UK.s are fine.

I don't want to do anything, nothing mine will ever be as good as what people call tolerable, and it's better to not try than receiving negative response all the time.

I am sorry if this is confusing, I apologize if you hate me, it's okay if you think this is about me seeing a man about a dog, but I trust you guys, and, I feel very shy to merely ask for help..

ご注目ありがとうございました。
コシキーでした。

Glory! koshikii

Posts : 48
Join date : 2016-06-18
Age : 19
Location : Train-less countryside

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Re: Motivation

Post by graymac on Tue Oct 18, 2016 11:38 am

Sorry you are having issues with confidence. I doubt anyone on this forum is qualified to advise on such matters, but let me at least say I can understand some of your difficulties.
Motivation is a terrible theme for all creative people - often the more intelligent people suffer most with the problem. I've had "dead spots" where it just won't come. Especially when there are other social, personal or family matters also demanding attention.
Hang in there, buddy. And if/when you feel the time is right to release any work you've done I'm sure it will be appreciated.

On the matter of Japanese trains. I've noticed that many sim users stick to the trains from their own country, seeming to have no interest in ones from other places. Don't let that dishearten you. I can tell you that there are many users who love London Underground and don't want to use anything apart from that city stuff. Some wouldn't care for my Irish stuff, even though Ireland is only 100km across a bit of sea from England/UK. Yet on my website and Celtictrainsim Facebook page I get lots of interest from the far east, Indonesia, and strange places I've no knowledge of!!!
Put it down to the English being a small island race for hundreds of years. Smile
To be honest, I admit I only get really interested in trains from places I've been to and actually seen in reality.
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Re: Motivation

Post by Glory! koshikii on Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:45 pm

Hey graymac, thank you for understanding the feel, even if not completely. Smile Sometimes I try my hardest and I burn out way too quickly, almost like a bomb, but I hope I can rush out a prototype of Yutetsu, because I'm quite dead here and to not let you guys down. Type 110 has been being developed slowly but surely (wait wat) and the panel now actually makes sense.

On the topic of Nipponese trains, I've never been to Japan, or the UK or anywhere else, I just know it from scenarios and YouTube videos. I've played some routes from my homeland and they are okay though, but it's not very interesting, it's grey and boring, while the LU is all colourful, the BR is extensive, TM has those jingles, etc. I think people should at least look and try out new routes Very Happy  because if I hadn't, I'd be out of luck and would have given up on Bve.

Glory! koshikii

Posts : 48
Join date : 2016-06-18
Age : 19
Location : Train-less countryside

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Re: Motivation

Post by graymac on Tue Oct 18, 2016 3:02 pm

I think people should at least look and try out new routes   because if I hadn't, I'd be out of luck and would have given up on Bve.
I agree. I've enjoyed those Ferrovia Italian routes and Dex's FirstBrno work, outside of the UK. But people will do what they will, some will never take to unfamiliar things. Same thing trying to encourage more people to get involved in making stuff for the sim. Either they will, or they won't.

After releasing "Cheltenham", I felt symptoms of "burn out" - I'm not ashamed to admit it. For the last 10 months I've had "developer's block" and had no inspiration to start anything. I only looked at the program again about three weeks ago, and I'm working on a modern day version of Kilmagranny, brought forward about forty years. Give it enough time, you will "get back your mojo" Wink
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Re: Motivation

Post by MattD6R on Wed Oct 19, 2016 5:29 am

Sorry to see you don't feel motivated and at times I feel this way especially when busy otherwise. To be honest for myself it took me a while to feel up to building a decent route because I thought I couldn't do it. But when I gave it a go it was not as bad as I made out. But with the work on my route I do try to think positive which does help and also making goals that are achievable. That way I feel pleased that I have achieved something and as I get better I have been getting more ambitious. If you feel you want to work on something do it at a pace you are comfortable with. And if and when you want to release something you have done it would be certainly appreciated.

Here in Australia there is very little content but I have enjoyed content from elsewhere particularly the UK which in many ways are quite similar to here. I have also enjoyed some other routes that are not in the UK. I could have gave up on the sim but I liked the content that I saw. Actually driving these routes have made been more interested in trains that operate here and which gave the inspiration to work on my own route. All the best for yourself, I hope this might help you in some way.

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Re: Motivation

Post by Glory! koshikii on Fri Oct 21, 2016 12:24 am

Thanks everybody for your help and caring and motivational posts, I appreciate it. It helped me cheer up and get really productive with my train, I'm ready to 1.0 it except for the driving panel. I know exactly what I want it to look like but I don't really feel motivated to do it, I've done it before, but I don't want to do such tiring job right now. Just wondering, would you guys be okay with a visually 2000's panel for now or would it be better to wait off and have the exact panel intended it? And would you guys want a peak? Or would anyone be willing to make the panel for me?

Glory! koshikii

Posts : 48
Join date : 2016-06-18
Age : 19
Location : Train-less countryside

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Re: Motivation

Post by graymac on Fri Oct 21, 2016 10:30 am

Whatever you are satisfied with is the correct answer. If you need to wait for pics or need time for more preparation that's fine too. Remember, it is you who are in control of your project. Also, a job takes as long as it takes - good work is rarely done by rushing it. Good luck and enjoy the work.
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Re: Motivation

Post by Glory! koshikii on Sat Jan 28, 2017 4:49 am

Update from the grave: I'm trying to get into college and boy is that a difficult task. Probably gonna do computer scienve or enginering, I wish I was an actual train driver without my peers calling me a weirdo or a freako, but life's what it is.

My creativity has burn out 3 times? since the last post and even doing stuff that helps me keep up, like stealing objeks,names, etc, or shortening the Yutetsu Line, or distracting myself with my website or odakyufanats, for which I have updates, has not helped me at all... I am yet to make the rough track geometry!
I think I might be going through a phase of conflict, knowing myself way more and changing myself for the greater good of everyone else, going to college and actually studying hard, finding a job, etc.

I just want to get over with yutetsu, i forgot the joy of making bve routes, i need help, i've become a heavy drinker (legal drinking age here is 18, and no, i'm not irish) the current version of my train is just wrong, please don't download it...

And to top things off, I feel like a stranger in a family reunion. I understand my mouth is shut almost all the time but even then, it's difficult for me to say hi. Sorry for disappointing you guys.
Also if you've made this far into my long and rant -y post, I suggest you get away from me because you'll probably care about me and I am likely to attack you for that. I don't know what's wrong with me either.

Glory! koshikii

Posts : 48
Join date : 2016-06-18
Age : 19
Location : Train-less countryside

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Re: Motivation

Post by Quork on Sat Jan 28, 2017 12:52 pm

First of all: I know the situation. My family and most of my peers expected I'd study at university - but after two semesters, I aborted uni and became a train driver instead. You have to do what you want to do, not what anybody else wants you to do. It is you who has to live with your job decision's consequences! Not them! They'll either arrange with your whishes - or bugger off. Those who do not want to accept you the way you are, think and act aren't worthy of your concern.

Also: Do yourself a favour and find a therapist. They will help you with your inner conflicts, and with your drinking. There's no dishonour in that, and whoever tells you otherwise, is a feckin' idiot and deserves a punch in their nose! With a broken nose you go to an otolaryngologist, with bowel problems you go to an internist, with tooth pain you go to a dentist and with psychological problems (like burnout, like drinking, like problems with social pressure) you go to a psychologist. It's a medical problem like every other one as well, nearly everybody suffers from it within their lifespan and the only right thing is to go to the correct specialist. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Just go there, talk and let them help you.
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Re: Motivation

Post by graymac on Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:28 pm

I entirely agree with that assessment, Quork! Good advice, well said.
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